The Bomb Squad. It's in their heads

If it’s the Autumn internationals and the next team up for a shave against the Springboks is England, then it must be time for some hysterical and xenophobic Bomb Squad bashing.

When is a Bomb Squad not a Bomb Squad? When it wears white, blue, red, blue, black or gold and is going to play against a team wearing any of those colours. Then it is a replacements bench, a collection of Tom Thumb and Christmas cracker substitutes just, y’know, hanging around in case of emergencies.

If the Bomb Squad wears green and gold, then it is a cartoon TNT explosive as used by the Road Runner to blow up Wile E. Coyote. It is a neutron bomb, a nuclear, napalm, hydrogen, petrol bomb, a bomb so dirty it flirts with violating the Geneva Convention. When it works, it is against all limits of decency and fairness to the other side, a dastardly, ruthless procedure that no true lovers of rugby would dare use.

And, if it’s the Autumn internationals and the next team up for a shave against the Springboks is England, then it must be time for some hysterical and xenophobic Bomb Squad bashing. The leader of the hysterical north this week is Stephen Jones of the Times of London.

It is “Time to outlaw South Africa’s dangerous, arrogant ‘bomb squad’,” whined the headline. “Allowing eight replacements is destroying game – and it was Springboks legend Eben Etzebeth who provided best example for future by remaining on pitch for entire match against Scotland,” was the subhead, verbatim.

There is, naturally, no evidence presented as to how the Bomb Squad is destroying the game, no reason offered why it should be outlawed, no definition of said arrogance, just a vague rant against the “giant” Springboks and how players should be allowed to tire so the game will open up towards the end. Limit the number of replacements, he says, use an independent doctor to judge whether players are really injured, he hopes.

And so it goes. The Springboks are physically too big, their style too brutal, their dominance at the scrum frustrating.

“What can be done for the sport to bomb out bomb squads wherever they gather? It is a truism and yet also the inherent weakness of the modern-day game that huge guys almost always prevail over the normal-sized ones. Everyone knows that the sheer mass of rugby players at the moment is making the sport more dangerous to play, and as we wait for the results of various high-level medical investigations, it could also be, at its elite end, causing potentially horrible illnesses,” wrote Jones.

It is a confusing narrative pushed by Jones and the north. They want rugby to move into the future and be a sustainable, growing, entertaining sport by taking it back to the past when it was sustainable and entertaining. Teams must attack more, then they must not attack until they earn the right to do so by paying their dues in darkness of the forwards. Make players smaller. Why are they so damn big? Hey, can we get more Samoans to play at Twickers? Bring back wrestling in the mud, stop with all the clever tactical game planning and lord save us from influence of sponsors and broadcasters.

The Boks used three replacements during the 2007 World Cup final against England, who used all seven of their benchwarmers. In 2019, when the Bomb Squad moniker was first used, both teams used all 19 subs. “It was during the 2017 [Sigh, it was 2019, Steveo] Rugby World Cup that the Springboks replacements were first called the “bomb squad”. They never came on in a single wave but they had developed two great players for each position, which is vastly to their credit,” added Jones.

South Africa brought on six forwards in the 45^th minute against Scotland on Sunday. Scotland changed five of their forwards between the 61^st and 63^rd minute. If Greg Townsend is going to throw on a little grenade, he should remember to pull the pin out.

Also on Sunday, Wales replaced their entire front row in the 45^th minute against Fiji, with only two of their pack going past the 61^st minute. Fiji spread their forward replacements between the 40^th and 69^th minute. Fiji won. The Fiji and Scotland tactic was repeated by Ireland and the All Blacks and in England’s late shit show against Australia. But, it must have been the Bomb Squad that won it for the Boks, surely. Back to Jones:

“Six minutes earlier, Franco Mostert had been replaced by the towering RG Snyman, the massive Pretorian with a beard in the fashion once worn by the Voortrekkers.

The arrivals were fresh and gleaming in their new Springbok jerseys, a contrast to the sweat-stained Scots who had already played more than half of a fierce game. ‘It was an intimidating sight,’ wrote our correspondent Mark Palmer in The Times.

“No doubt the actions of Erasmus were arrogant as well. He has enough resources to afford arrogance. The Boks are an unlovely bunch to outsiders…”

This is the Erasmus Jones compared to the “return of Putin” last year when he returned as Bok coach. “Never knowingly unbiased, his appointment will likely cause every emotion from unease to revulsion in the rest of the world. I’m proud to be in the ‘revolted’ camp.”

Ah, there it is. Revolted. Disgusted. Voortrekkers. The Boks are the great evil of world rugby. It is personal for Jones. England and his beloved Wales are in a no-man’s land. As Mitch Phillips of Reuters put it: “While SA’s “Bomb Squad” has become a key factor in their recent success, England’s replacements are starting to look more like a ‘Suicide Squad’ as Steve Borthwick’s changes repeatedly help his team snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.”

In the comments section underneath the Jones piece, a wit wrote: “England has a bomb squad. Ford came on and England bombed.” The Bomb Squad. It’s in their heads.